Divorce and remarriage

In the modern world, divorces have become common especially among younger generation. It is very painful to see many young men and women go through this emotional suffering. Few are able to cope and start life fresh and many have permanent setbacks in their lives. There is increase in the number of divorces among Christians in the cities of Chennai, Trivandrum, Hyderabad, Bangalore and the other regions of four South Indian States; is alarming and painful. There are also reports from among Non- Resident Indians that divorces are common. How should the Church respond to this situation?

Even in India 'trial marriages' or 'live-in-relationship' is becoming common. Young couples want to experiment before getting in marriage as they see this is better than future divorce. The Maharashtra Government is planning to make this as a legal arrangement.

Here is a real incident: A young person who came to Christ from another faith was married with a girl form so called 'spiritual church'. This marriage was solemnized by two globally popular pastors. Within twenty days the couple families were in the police station, later they fought a bitter divorce case in the family court. Now at the age of 30 he is divorced man. What is the future of this boy? Should he remain single for next 30 years? God did not want man to be alone.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (Gen 2:24) The ideal marriage is life long covenant relationship between a man and a woman based on love, sacrifice and service. But, in the sinful world, ideal marriage seems to be a mirage for many. Though there are many successful stories, there are failures and unhealthy relationships.

The Church should be proactive to give importance to Pre-marital counseling, instead to intervene with counseling and reconciliation when marriage is under crisis. The importance of pre-marital counseling has been gravely underestimated.

In the older generation, husband and wife lived together even though there were differences of opinion or conflicts. One of the reasons was the women who did not work was solely dependent on husband and divorce was not a economic possibility. Second, there was social stigma as the blame always solely rested on woman. The men could easily get married again and not women. Third, women suffered and endured all humiliation for the sake of children.

But the younger generation is different. They are better educated, have capacity to take bold decisions, and are well informed and aware of their constitutional rights. Generally, girls like to be professionally qualified and establish a career even before marriage. So, they need not be economically dependent on husband, but be self-reliant. With globalization and urbanization the social stigma is urban areas is absent. Self-reliant women are respected for their courage and have managed to live as single woman or marry again. Children also have become pawns in the conflict and have to cope with the new unusual situation.

God hates divorce and not remarriage

God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) but the Bible does not say that God hates remarriage. But God allowed Moses to give a statute providing divorce, due to hardness of the hearts (Matt 19:8) of people. The Law is holy, but human beings are sinful. God is Holy and understands the human fragility and is generally merciful.

In the Old Testament Law, the punishment for adultery was death (Leviticus 20:10). At the same time, Deuteronomy 24: 1-4 mentions remarriage after a divorce, does not call it adultery, and does not demand the death penalty for the remarried spouse.

There are certain instances in which divorce and remarriage are permitted without the remarriage being considered adultery. These instances would include unrepentant adultery, physical abuse of spouse or children, and abandonment of a believing spouse by an unbelieving spouse. Having affair or physical relationship outside marriage is adultery. Being abusive – verbal, mental, physical and violence to spouse or children puts the health and physical safety of spouse or children at high risk. Abandoning and not caring of spouse and family is also considered breach of one body principle.

Reconciliation - Reconciliation is a process that could be taken up by the spouse themselves. It is possible, if there is an attitude of repentance, humility to ask forgiveness from one another, and graciousness to forgive and forget. Even then, there is repetition of same conflict, repeated forgiveness for the same mistake or sin will break any relationship. Reconciliation fails if one person is adamant, stubborn or ego-centric. Some times, especially husband believe in Indian culture rather than scripture that they do not see the need for seeking forgiveness from wife. The attitude is: Husband is always right and wife is always to be blamed.

If reconciliation between the couple does not work, they could call the elders in the family to help them. Mature elderly relatives, who are concerned about the couple's welfare could intervene and facilitate the process of reconciliation. But, if elders take partial stand then it would worsen the situation, as both would harden their positions.

Sometimes a professional counselor or pastor could be invited to help. This is possible in big cities where Christian counselors are available. Even Non Resident Indians also have this option in Western countries. Trained pastors have some skills in counseling and could be invited to help.

Even then if the person is adamant, it is possible to invite the elders in the church to speak and work out reconciliation. It helps to bring the collective wisdom of church leadership to help reconciliation process.

If all these steps fail, then the person has to be treated like a 'Gentile" or 'Unbeliever' or 'Pagan'. Since the person does not come under Church discipline, that person cannot be treated as God fearing, God honouring Christian. That means reconciliation option is over and there is room only of legal action. Constitutional rights protect a person when moral rights are not in operation. So, it is essential for every one to be aware of constitutional rights. For example, husband's family tortures a girl for insufficient dowry. What should the girl do? If she were aware of constitutional rights, she would seek justice.

Divorce

How can a person be treated as 'Unbeliever'? It means to treat the person according to the law of the land. Getting legal divorce would be the only best option. God has called us to live in peace not under constant tension of fear, doubt, suspicion, anxiety and abuse. Home that has to provide safety, peace, joy becomes a nightmare, seeking best way out is wisdom. When all options are exhausted, then divorce could be initiated.

There is a misconception that one who files or initiates the divorce is the aggressor and the other is a victim. Some times a victim of abusive relationship may file divorce petition to protect his/her life. That is done in self defense rather than as aggressive act. The divorce proceedings could be initiated as aggressive act or as self-protection act.

Some times divorce could be obtained by mutual consent. Both at least agrees to end this incompatible relationship and file for divorce.

Divorcees and Widows/ers

Those who have divorced or lost their spouse have an option to remain single or get married again. Paul suggests that remaining single is good option. But he does not disallow remarriage. For the sake of companionship, rising up children, dynamic social life and even ministry, marrying again would be preferable.

Entering new relationship

Accept: Self-acceptance as God created us in His image and died on the cross of Calvary is important step in the process of entering a new relationship. Right self-mage, self-esteem and dignity is needed for any healthy relationship.

Accept forgiveness: Asking forgiveness from the Lord and forgiving oneself is the next step. Though 90% of blame may rest on other spouse, seeking forgiveness from the Lord would be good, healthy and spiritual exercise.

New Creation: This relationship should be based on transformation that has happened through Lord Jesus Christ.

Be Pragmatic

Also, it would be wise to be pragmatic in executing this new relationship.

1. Handling previous memories/sentiments.
2. Handling children
3. Handling finances and assets

In these areas there should be clear written understanding.

Remarriage in churches?

Some Denominations have a strict discipline that remarriages could not be solemnized in the church. And some are open to the idea.

Challenge

There are is a great need for the church leaders to think and work out a creative solution. It need not be according to traditions or trends but creative scriptural solution.

Creative solution:

1. First, acknowledge the fact there is problem in the families. Many Christian leaders deny that the family is under attack.

2. Second, find biblical principles for family. Most churches follow the dominant culture practices. How many pastors would declare that they would not solemnize marriage if there is dowry transaction? How many pastors would proactively interfere if there is domestic violence? How many churches teach young men that their priority is wife not mother? Scripture teaches for boy to emotionally detached from family and join his wife. But culture teaches girl to forget her home and join the husband's family. How many churches teach the truth?

3. Third, begin pre-marital counseling for couples to be married and bible teaching for mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws.

4. Four, strengthen counseling ministries for couples, seminars for families may be conducted so that families do not come under Satan's attack.

5. Five, Church should not permit 'forced marriage' in the name of 'arranged marriage'.